Ep 19: You’re Dating & Marrying Your Partners Innerchild

If you’ve ever wondered why your partner shuts down, overreacts, clings too tightly, pushes you away, or struggles to communicate this conversation is for you.

Welcome back to the podcast. Today we’re diving into something that most people never realize until they’re deep in love, deep in conflict… or deep in heartbreak.

The truth is…when you date someone, you’re not just dating the adult version of them. You’re also dating their inner child. The part of them that remembers rejection, abandonment, criticism, loneliness, fear, and unmet needs.

And when you marry someone? You’re making a lifelong commitment not only to who they are today, but also to the younger version of them that still needs safety, reassurance, understanding, and healing…So lets get into it! 

Transcript

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What's up, my beautiful Soul Tribe? Welcome back to the Permission Activated Podcast. And I am your host, Coach Ty, here to empower you and remind you that you don't need anybody's permission but your own because God has already called you to go forth. Now, listen, y'all, we're gonna get into it. We're jumping into the deep waters today. First of all, you're inside of 10 days of Thai Nuggets. So today's title is going to be You Are Dating and Marrying Your Partner's Inner Child. Come on now, you have got to know the state of a person's inner child before you get involved because it goes way beyond chemistry and attraction and all of that. So let's jump into this word. So, number one, what you have to understand is that when you are dating people, when you decide to marry someone, you are dating and marrying their inner child. You gotta understand that we're all children. In the eyes of God, we never grow up. We're always children in the eyes of God. And so it's interesting because the more I have connect with my inner child over the past couple of years, the more I see people's inner child first and foremost when I meet them, but through the eyes of God. And it's not about judgment, it's not about condemnation or anything like that. It's about acknowledging where a person is, and they are either in alignment with where you are or they're not. So you gotta understand that most people who have not done the inner work or are not self-aware or are on autopilot don't even realize that they're living from their inner child. They don't even realize that they're responding from the wounds of their inner child, the unresolved issues from their childhood and things of that nature. And so that's why it's so important to spend time alone, to spend time by yourself, to spend time with God to really tap in and tune in to see what's going on internally. And it takes a lot of courage, a lot of boldness sometimes, depending on how much stuff you actually have to unpack. Some people have to unpack a lot of stuff and they don't want to deal with, you know, and it's okay, is that's their decision and their choice. But then when you come into their world or they come into your world, you have to decide whether or not that's something that you want to deal with or not. And so it's really just balancing out and asking yourself, okay, is this in alignment with me? Does this make sense for my life and where I'm going? Do I want to deal with this? Am I called to walk with this person through this? Because there have been seasons where I've been called to walk with people through things, and then there have been seasons where God is like, okay, don't even touch that, release it, let it go, walk away. So you just have to really understand and know what your purpose is in that person's life. The most important thing you need to understand is you can't keep punishing your present for past mistakes of other people's situations and circumstances. I'm gonna say that again. You have to stop punishing situations, circumstances, and people of the present and the future because of past wounds, past hurt, past disappointments, past betrayals. You gotta break the cycle somewhere. And it goes all the way back to healing your inner child. Now, when I talk about healing, it's not this place that you get to where you've arrived and oh, you're healed. It's an ongoing process our whole entire life. Healing never stops, it never ends because just when you deal with one thing, you find out there's something else that you need to deal with. And then when you deal with that, you find out that there's something else. And so it's it's a journey. Healing is a journey. You know, to me, a healthy mindset, emotionally healthy people, emotionally mature people, they understand how to communicate their triggers, they understand where their triggers came from, they understand their wounds, they can communicate their wounds, they can take responsibility and accountability for their actions, for their responses, for their reactions. It's about taking accountability and responsibility and not projecting it onto other people's situations and circumstances, but saying, you know what, I own this, I did this, I know why I did this. Yes, this is something I need to work on. Now, just because you acknowledge it doesn't mean keep doing it. It doesn't mean that a person's gonna keep giving you a hall pass because you're actually conscious of what you're doing. No, it means starting to do the work, turning away from that behavior or that action and beginning to do the work to change that behavior. So it's an ongoing journey, but it's just being aware enough to say, okay, this is something that I need to work on. This is something that I struggle with, this is something that I need to deal with, this is something that I know can be potentially harmful or offensive or hurtful to other people. And so it's really acknowledging those things and being willing to do the work to change those things. Now let's get back to the inner child because this is deep, y'all. Because every woman has a little girl and every man has a little boy, and you have to be able to see both. You can't just think that you're gonna be dealing with the woman or with the man. You have to understand that you're gonna deal with the little girl and you're gonna deal with the little boy. And you have to be gentle, you have to be understanding, you have to be nurturing, you have to be compassionate because that's what parenting an inner child is. That's what learning to self-soothe and parenting yourself is. But when you're in a relationship or you're in a marriage, you have to understand that it's not only the responsibility of you parenting your own inner child, but also parenting theirs. And when I say parenting theirs, I don't mean taking the responsibility from them so that they don't have to care for their own inner child, but parenting in the aspect of having compassion, having understanding, having the eyes of a parent and saying, okay, this right here is a wounded child and this is what they're still dealing with. So you have to understand that because I I feel like a lot of people forget about the inner child and forget about the little boy or the little girl because that little boy or little girl is in an adult body. And it does not matter. You have people who spiritually get stuck at the age of 10, 13, 15, wherever something specific may have happened, they may have permanently shut down, and that's where they stop mentally, spiritually, and emotionally growing. I mean, there's so much I want to say on this. I don't want to make this episode too long, but there's so many things you need to take into consideration when you're getting into a relationship with somebody, when you're getting married to somebody, and you have to number one understand you are dealing with that little boy or that little girl. You're dealing with their inner child. You're dealing with triggers, you know, from their childhood. It could be dealing with unresolved wounds. This is why it's so important to do that work, do the inner child healing work, not so that you can be perfect. None of us are perfect, but so that you can have the emotional maturity to be able to talk about your triggers in your wounds. Like if I get triggered about something, I'm gonna be able to tell you exactly why I'm triggered, where the trigger came from, and the space that I need or what I need or the time that I need. You have to also understand, like, you know, what are your communication styles? If you're dealing with that person's inner child, do they shut down or do they want to immediately talk? Or do they need space? Like me personally, I need space to process. I'm like, give me some time. Let me go take my walk and spend some time with the Lord, you know, and get back in my spirit. And I need time to process. Like, I don't like to immediately talk about something if I'm upset. I need time to think about it. I need time to understand what's happening within myself so that I can come back and say, okay, this is what's going on, you know. And so you gotta understand what your communication styles are as well. Because if not, if someone is trying to force you to immediately have a conversation or immediately explain, and you know you're a firecracker, you know you're a fiery person, and you or you don't realize that you you're the type of person where you need time and space before you communicate, then it's gonna be this explosion, this atomic bomb that happens for no reason. But if you knew yourself better and you knew what your inner child needed and how you responded when you were younger, then you can say, you know what? I'm going to explode if I talk to you right now. So give me some time, give me some space, you know, and so you gotta understand so many different things, and that all goes back to your childhood. That all goes back to your inner child. Like when does your inner child feel rejected or abandoned or hurt or offended? It's so powerful, guys. It is so freaking powerful when you start to do the inner work of connecting with your inner child, talking to your inner child, and allowing your inner child to talk back to you and giving your inner child a voice to express all of the things that have been suppressed for years. Because a lot of people are walking around with a bunch of suppressed stuff. You know, this is why they're emotionally immature, they don't know how to communicate because no one ever taught them to. But you can do that as an adult with your inner child, and you can break that cycle within yourself and you can teach yourself, but you have to be willing to do that. And so these are these are conversations that you need to even be having in your relationships and in your marriage. A lot of people don't even talk about their inner child. A lot of people don't even realize that they're reacting and responding from their wounds, their childhood wounds. Very important. So, guys, I don't want this to get too long. I just want to give you guys something to think about, but I want to go through 10 key points that'll be very valuable for you to just go back and reflect on, okay? If you have a pen and paper and you want to write this down, I just recommend saving and downloading this episode so you can come back to it and revisit it, relive it, and like really marinate on it and let it get in your spirit. 10 key powerful points why you need to understand that you are dating the little girl, the little boy, or marrying that inner child. Number one, even though they're in an adult body, you have to remember that there's still little girl, little boy in there. You're dating not only the adult, but the inner child too. Because you gotta understand the adult may speak confidently, dress well, make a lot of money, and look composed. But underneath, underneath all of that is still the little boy or girl who learned the definition of love, safety, rejection, affection, and things of that nature early on. And those definitions may be completely different from yours. Number two, people don't just communicate from logic, they communicate from wounds. This is very important to remember because sometimes an argument is not really about the dishes or texting back or your tone or timing, it's abandonment wounds, it's rejection wounds, it's shame, it's fear of rejection, it's fear of not being chosen, fear of not being seen. Your inner child is often going to speak louder during emotional conflict than adults do. Number three, the nervous system chooses what feels familiar, not what's always healthy. I'm gonna say that again. The nervous system chooses what feels familiar, not always what's healthy. This is why people can unconsciously recreate chaotic dynamics that mirror childhood emotional environments. For example, if inconsistency felt like love, then growing up as an adult, peace can initially feel boring or suspicious. Number four, a healed relationship requires emotional safety, not just chemistry. Attraction can pull two people together, but emotional safety determines whether love can actually grow long term. Inner children open up where they feel emotionally protected, not judged. Number five, your partner's triggers are cues, not always attacked. Mature love asks, what happened to you, not just what's wrong with you. That doesn't mean you have to tolerate toxic behavior, but understanding the root creates the compassion and clarity that you both need. Number six, you can't punish people into healing. Shaming, mocking, belittling, stonewalling, manipulation, and emotional games usually deepen wounds instead of healing them. Inner children shut down around humiliation. Number seven, sometimes your partner doesn't need solutions, they need soothing. Not every emotional moment requires fixing. Sometimes the deepest intimacy comes from, I hear you, I understand you, you're safe with me. This is a safe space. We'll figure this out together. Number eight, your inner child chose your partner before your logic did. A lot of attraction happens subconsciously. People often gravitate towards partners who mirror unresolved emotional patterns because the nervous system is trying to complete the lesson. So this is why it's so important to heal your nervous system. Because once you heal your nervous system, you're not going to be a beacon for that toxic behavior anymore because the cycle is broken. Number nine, healing relationships require accountability and compassion. Understanding someone's wounds does not mean excusing harmful behavior. A mature relationship balances empathy with responsibility. Healing is not a free pass to hurt people repeatedly. Amen and hallelujah to that. Number 10, marriage is often two inner children learning how to feel safe enough to grow up together. The healthiest love says, I see your scars without making you ashamed of them. I honor your softness. I will not weaponize your vulnerability and let's build something safer than what either of us came from. So those are 10 things to think about, guys. This is why it's important to heal your nervous system and regulate your nervous system. Because if you don't regulate your nervous system, then you will literally be a beacon for toxic situations and circumstances and people because your nervous system is conditioned to that. So your nervous system thinks that's normal. So that's what you'll continue to attract. When you start to regulate your nervous system and heal your nervous system, guys, you're not gonna have a tolerance for toxic behavior anymore. You're not even gonna have the capacity for it. So that's how you're gonna know the difference. So listen, use wisdom, compassion, and patience. Give yourself permission to be honest with yourself, give yourself permission to connect with your inner child or go deeper with your inner child. Give yourself permission to give your inner child a voice to be able to speak and release and let go of all the things that have been suppressed over the years. And give yourself permission to be open to a healthy love, to healthy partnerships, healthy friendships, healthy connections. And just give yourself permission to be honest with yourself. That's the number one thing. So listen, guys, I love you so much. Thank you so much for hanging out with me in this episode. If it resonated with you, join the try by following. Definitely share it with a friend. See you in the next episode.